1. A wife, and two children, one boy and girl
2. A good job, earn enough money to travel
3. Have written and published a teen-fiction novel that sells.
4. Do something that change lives.
5. Be off the anti-depressants and Be happy without them.
Today I went to my GP. My counsellor called and made the appointment, as she was worried about my mental state. We talked about things i had never told a single person, not even my best friend, about. Dark images in my mind that are so dark that I don’t think it would be wise of me to write in this blog… Not yet anyway… My counsellor was extremely worried so I went to my GP, who gave me a prescription on anti-depressants. I take them for a month and see what happens. She gave me two copies of a form. Today, I fill it in and answer the questions, like a score chart, and another one on the day of my next appointment, to compare how i feel/felt before I started taking them. With any luck, these will make me feel better. Just got to live and hope.
I guess…
1. Put half in an emergency saving account
2. get my dream house built
3. Travel to all the places i want to see before i die
4. Donate some to charity
5. Build a special centre for teenagers coping with stress, anger and depression.
To Get close to how i feel at the moment, you need a bit more background…
About a month ago, i lost my virginity to one my oldest friends. I had gone down to see her for the weekend, and her boyfriend had said it was okay - probably as some form of pity or something. I felt great immediately afterwards, but then everything spiralled…
At her party i realised how meaningless it all was. I was becoming attached. Losing my virginity was a big thing for me, as I never thought anyone would ever do it with me. My confidence dropped when i realised how little it meant to her. On the train home, i sent her a text. No reply. I sent another. no reply. No matter how many times i sent her a message, No reply. Things had changed.
After a couple of weeks of no contact, she called me. Or someone else from her phone. He friend, who i had met that weekend, was calling to see if something was true. She was drunk and telling her friends. She had said she would tell none of them without telling me. I wouldn’t have minded if she had told me she was going to tell them, but because she was drunk and blurting it out to anyone, I was embarrassed. I got stressed. I had an ‘Attack’.
and no contact between then and now. until today
Today she sent me a text, saying to come on Skype as house was empty and she was horny. I want to scream. Im getting stressed. I’ve been trying to calm myself down for 2 hours but i’m still thinking about it. Obsessing…
Sex with a friend is horrible. Is creates a whole new barrier to deal with. On top of everything else, this is NOT what i needed now…
I love her, I really do, but she doesn’t understand how big a deal this is to me,…
I sensed yesterday I was going to have an ‘attack’
It’s the term I give to describe when I get seriously down and negative, like a panic attack, or asthma attack.
I’ve started to put measures in place to help keep me calm. I’ve got a small object which i keep on my person to keep me calm, as well as song that improve my mood.
whether these will help or not, I have no idea, but until I can get hold of my GP or counsellor I have no idea this is one of my only options….
I feel like i’m being attacked. It’s completely irrational. I was invited to an event via Facebook and the theme was superheroes so I said who i wanted to go as. Then, almost immediately, they all started saying i should be someone else. I haven’t heard of half of the ones they want to go as, and they start taking the piss out of mine. It was probably harmless teasing but I have become completely offended and shook. Today is the day I travel back to Uni and already I don’t want to go. I don’t know why I feel so offended over something so trivial and that worries me and makes me panic.
What’s wrong with me? Why am I so sensitive sometimes? why do I get down so easily and over such simple things?
Today I met up with a friend that I haven’t seen in a while. Nothing’s changed. When i get stressed by behaviour becomes erratic and confusing, sometimes just more extreme than my usual behaviour. As usual, because of this i seemed to offend people, or become the joke of the group. They don’t get it, and I can’t explain it.
Well…
Robot can be customised because of the mechanics…. but dinosaurs have those fucking huge teeth…. It’s a toughy….
Wow, finally got my profile up and running! Couple of pages sorted… now….
For people interested I’m at home from my studies for a few days, and not sure whether to look forward going back to them, as I’m missing home whenever i’m not here. But while i’m here i’m enjoying myself. Now that i’ve got this up and running I guess If i have a problem I can voice it (in a manner of speaking…)
If your interested stay tuned!
